Understanding Attachment Styles: How Your Past Shapes Your Present Relationships
From the day we come into this world, we are constantly looking to those around us to reflect back who we are. Our primary caregivers shape our early attachment styles and this helps us not only feel secure and be independent, but also helps us feel connected to something outside of us.
When all goes well, autonomous (or secure) attachment develops, lending to the development of autonomous attachment as adults in romantic relationships.
But sometimes, we don’t develop secure attachments while we are children and we end up being wired in one of the less helpful adult attachment styles.
Example Attachment Styles:
- Preoccupied or Anxious Attachment
Do you get clingy and jealous easily? Always look for approval and response from your partner? Have a negative view of yourself and always see your partner as the better one? Fear being abandoned or rejected and will do whatever it takes to feel safe in your relationship? - Dismissing or Avoidant Attachment
Do you back off when things start getting too close? Do you have a hard time depending on others and prefer to be independent? Maybe you suppress your feelings and avoid having to interact with others’ feelings? - Unresolved or Disorganized Attachment
Do you want so much to be close to someone but have difficulty trusting? Do your emotions fluctuate wildly and do you have trouble regulating them? Are you terrified of getting hurt?
We all have our default attachment style and understanding which patterns we tend to follow can be very helpful in learning how to be in a healthy relationship.
There are many quizzes online you can take and YouTube videos that you can watch on the different attachment styles. But we want to recommend one great book to you as a resource to help you learn more about how you relate to others:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Of course, the first step is self-awareness, but when it comes to unraveling unhealthy relating styles it’s always best to speak to a therapist trained in attachment theory.
